The Road is Closed.

Well friends,

It pains me to say this, but after nearly three years along this "Road to Colombia," it appears as if we have come to an end. The changes in Colombia's ICBF process, the lack of all hope that we will be given a baby, the uncertainty in the cost and time, all point to an insurmountable road block.

Jonathan and I have been praying, crying, screaming out to the Lord about how and why this door was opened only to be so suddenly and permanently closed. The month of May marked a fork in the road for us and a decision had to be made about whether or not to continue. Unfortunately we didn't want to "make the decision," but it appears the "decision has been made for us." There simply are no other options for us.

Before you start asking, please trust our judgment enough to not ask us all the questions:

• Yes, we've looked at other countries.
• Yes, we've looked at other agencies.
• Yes, we've looked at domestic adoption.
• Yes, we've considered Foster-to-Adopt.
• I've even grasped at every straw available and thought about surrogacy, untying my tubes, embryo adoption, and pleading on Facebook...you name it.

Know, that we've agonized over all of these options. The reasons some of them weren't right for our family when we started this journey a decade ago are still valid reasons why they aren't right for us today. The reasons the others aren't right for us now simply boils down to the fact that we cannot live our lives in limbo indefinitely. We have chosen to honor God with our acceptance by not kicking in a door that He has so clearly closed.

Please know that I love each and every one of you. I covet your prayers.

That being said. I know the truths found in His word, but before you start quoting them to me and showing me "miracle adoption stories," please know these do NOT help us in the here and now.

We know God. We know what He's capable of. We've seen His powers. We've also seen Him allow things in our lives that in the midst of the pain seemingly had "no purpose." Now, hindsight is 20/20 and yes, we can see how He has worked out all things for good after the deaths of our two precious babies. But believe me, it's taken many, many, many years to recognize all that. Hearing about someone else's "miracle adoption" right now, only proves His power to me...yet, it's power He chose not to allow in our lives. It's natural to ask "why?" and to be hurt beyond all comprehension. Am I thankful He's still working miracles in others' lives? YES! But that doesn't mean I can be overwhelmingly happy for them right now. Is it a wonderful thing that a child has a family to love them? YES! But why not ours? These are the things we're wrestling with the Lord about, and I believe He will bring us out stronger on the other side. But right now, we're in the "miry pit...", He has "heard our cry...", but it's a long way to the top of this valley for us.

We have spent so much time and energy and focus on what our family will be like in the future, that I'm afraid we've missed the blessing of what our family is right now. We have an AMAZING little miracle baby in Madison. As we leave this "road to Colombia" and begin moving forward as a family of three, please continue to lift us up to the Lord.

• Pray for contentment in our family unit of three. It's much different than the vision He gave us years ago, but it's still an amazing little family.
• Pray for Jonathan and I as parents to learn how to parent an "only child." 
• Pray for Madison as she's already been told about her "little brother or sister from Comumbalie..." She's doing remarkably well, but I don't think it's quite set in yet what that means...for her or for any of us.
• Pray for our families..."losing" this baby isn't just our loss. It's a loss for the grandparents and aunts and uncles who were "expecting" right along with us. 
• Pray for the families who remain on the list and hopeful for Forever Children from around the world. It's truly unconscionable why this process remains so uncertain, so expensive, and so difficult when thousands of families want to love the hundreds of thousands of children who need homes.

I'll close this final blog posting with this. Thank you. Your prayers and encouragement have been amazing to our family...down every road we've journeyed. Now...our eyes turn to the "road ahead"...where ever that may lead.