The Road is Closed.

Well friends,

It pains me to say this, but after nearly three years along this "Road to Colombia," it appears as if we have come to an end. The changes in Colombia's ICBF process, the lack of all hope that we will be given a baby, the uncertainty in the cost and time, all point to an insurmountable road block.

Jonathan and I have been praying, crying, screaming out to the Lord about how and why this door was opened only to be so suddenly and permanently closed. The month of May marked a fork in the road for us and a decision had to be made about whether or not to continue. Unfortunately we didn't want to "make the decision," but it appears the "decision has been made for us." There simply are no other options for us.

Before you start asking, please trust our judgment enough to not ask us all the questions:

• Yes, we've looked at other countries.
• Yes, we've looked at other agencies.
• Yes, we've looked at domestic adoption.
• Yes, we've considered Foster-to-Adopt.
• I've even grasped at every straw available and thought about surrogacy, untying my tubes, embryo adoption, and pleading on Facebook...you name it.

Know, that we've agonized over all of these options. The reasons some of them weren't right for our family when we started this journey a decade ago are still valid reasons why they aren't right for us today. The reasons the others aren't right for us now simply boils down to the fact that we cannot live our lives in limbo indefinitely. We have chosen to honor God with our acceptance by not kicking in a door that He has so clearly closed.

Please know that I love each and every one of you. I covet your prayers.

That being said. I know the truths found in His word, but before you start quoting them to me and showing me "miracle adoption stories," please know these do NOT help us in the here and now.

We know God. We know what He's capable of. We've seen His powers. We've also seen Him allow things in our lives that in the midst of the pain seemingly had "no purpose." Now, hindsight is 20/20 and yes, we can see how He has worked out all things for good after the deaths of our two precious babies. But believe me, it's taken many, many, many years to recognize all that. Hearing about someone else's "miracle adoption" right now, only proves His power to me...yet, it's power He chose not to allow in our lives. It's natural to ask "why?" and to be hurt beyond all comprehension. Am I thankful He's still working miracles in others' lives? YES! But that doesn't mean I can be overwhelmingly happy for them right now. Is it a wonderful thing that a child has a family to love them? YES! But why not ours? These are the things we're wrestling with the Lord about, and I believe He will bring us out stronger on the other side. But right now, we're in the "miry pit...", He has "heard our cry...", but it's a long way to the top of this valley for us.

We have spent so much time and energy and focus on what our family will be like in the future, that I'm afraid we've missed the blessing of what our family is right now. We have an AMAZING little miracle baby in Madison. As we leave this "road to Colombia" and begin moving forward as a family of three, please continue to lift us up to the Lord.

• Pray for contentment in our family unit of three. It's much different than the vision He gave us years ago, but it's still an amazing little family.
• Pray for Jonathan and I as parents to learn how to parent an "only child." 
• Pray for Madison as she's already been told about her "little brother or sister from Comumbalie..." She's doing remarkably well, but I don't think it's quite set in yet what that means...for her or for any of us.
• Pray for our families..."losing" this baby isn't just our loss. It's a loss for the grandparents and aunts and uncles who were "expecting" right along with us. 
• Pray for the families who remain on the list and hopeful for Forever Children from around the world. It's truly unconscionable why this process remains so uncertain, so expensive, and so difficult when thousands of families want to love the hundreds of thousands of children who need homes.

I'll close this final blog posting with this. Thank you. Your prayers and encouragement have been amazing to our family...down every road we've journeyed. Now...our eyes turn to the "road ahead"...where ever that may lead.

WHY?!

I tried to title this post and came up with about 100 things...none of which capture the complete essence of where we are with our Colombian adoption. I am simply not emotionally capable of going into the details right now, but suffice to say that my phone conversation with our agency today was not good.

Heartbreaking is more likely. I've talked with Jonathan and we are both committed to praying about our future and our family. We are struggling to see WHERE GOD IS in this whole situation. Jon said it best to say "It seems like a CLOSED door, but the CLOSED door doesn't make ANY sense."

I feel like I've been transported back to those hospital rooms years ago where someone told me my babies had died. This feels similar. The baby we prayed for, we loved and longed for, and felt complete peace about coming from Colombia seems to have been ripped from our arms.

So what can you do? Pray, pray, pray. We have SO many decisions to make with little to no information. We have a limited time frame to make those decisions. And, for the love of all things holy, we have to figure out how and what and when to tell Madison about "her little brother or sister from Cumumbalie." Dear God, how am I going to do that?!

A Bad Feeling...

So in February we received an email newsletter from our agency, Children's Hope International. Our representative there wanted to take the opportunity to address why we haven't seen any referrals coming from Colombia as we had hoped last fall. The news was not hopeful.

"We remain positive about ICBF and the work that they do. We've been placing children through ICBF and Colombia since 2001. However, it seems that with more governmental control, ICBF is not able to do it's job as well as they did in the past. We remain positive about referrals for Colombian families, older children and large sibling groups getting completed in a reasonable time-frame. It's just that all things are taking longer, so referrals for all families look to be longer than in the past. It's the younger children and young sibling groups that haven't seen any movement for quite some time. These are the cases that we are unsure of for the future, as the waits continue to increase for those groups, and again that children are "aging" out due to being in care longer. Things may still happen for these families, it's just that we don't see the wait times decreasing, only increasing."

Jon and I didn't talk much about it at the time because...well...it's just too difficult to talk about. He remains positive that our baby will come. He said he doesn't think much about it other than that the Lord knows when our baby will join our family and that he's not worried about Madison being much older than the new baby. I, on the other hand, think about it constantly. I'm a part of several adoption forums and we just have a lot of people in our lives adopting...all of whom seem to be having much better success with their processes. In all honesty, while I'm thrilled that these kids are finding their forever homes, I just can't help but be jealous.

And that brings me to today...Jonathan's away on another 3-week Army training; my weekend scrap booking with my bestie had to be cancelled because she's sick; and well, frankly, it's that "emotional" time of the month. In other words, it's the Perfect Storm for a breakdown. Add to that I get an email from our agency representative that "I want to have a phone conversation with all families that are currently on the wait list for Colombia for those younger children to talk through everything that we know and don’t know about the future of Colombian adoptions."

I can't say that I'm hopeful she'll have good news for us. I'm supposed to update our customs and immigration paperwork starting in May. I really don't know what our options would be at this point because we are THREE years in to this process in June, never mind the large financial commitment we've already invested, and the fact that our hearts are so exposed. I'm just RAW. If I didn't think it would upset Madison, I'd just let the tears flow as I type.

So now with Jon 1,200 miles away and the weekend ahead of me, I get to stress about her phone call next week. I would covet your prayers for peace and a MIRACLE for our family. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm clinging...like desperately...to this verse: Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Trusting...easier said than done.

Hello again, friends. I realize that it's been 8 months since I've posted anything about our adoption of our Forever Child from Colombia. My apologies, but truly it's because there hasn't been much to tell, and what there is to share is kind of painful. However, in honor of National Adoption Day tomorrow (http://www.nationaladoptionday.org/) I figured it was time I buck up and give you all an update.

First, our Home Study and I-800A forms were updated in March, which turned out to be a fairly painful process, simply because of the logistics of updating while one of us lived on the other side of the world! However, God was in control and all our forms were updated on time...at least for the next 15 months when I get to do it all over again and this time pay for it :(.

Second, we learned from our adoption agency that Colombia was halting adoption referrals in order to do an internal audit of their processes early in the summer. We were frustrated, but also encouraged...we'd rather have a delay to ensure that the children placed from Colombia are legally adoptable! The delay, however, resulted in a very long summer with referrals just resuming in September.

Third, Jonathan returned safely home to us on September 1 after 357 days away, and life has been crazy ever since...hence, the lack of time to write. But as we were "getting back to normal" we began to look at our 1, 3 and 5 year "plans" (i.e. when Madison will be in school, when/if I'll return to work outside the home, when the new baby will arrive, etc.) All things that are basically at the mercy of the timing of our adoption. 

So we made a phone call to our agency representative earlier this month. The news was not promising. In fact, it was tearful. When we started this process in June 2010, the entire process from paperwork to referral to placement was approximately three years...so we should be packing to travel in early 2013.

Then, however, when our dossier was approved by Colombia in September 2011 we learned that things had slowed down and that our 3 year wait actually started then...so we would be matched and traveling in Fall 2014.

Now, post-internal audit, the wait time is actually looking more like 4 years from approval so we'll be referred and matched in 2015. As you can imagine, a 5 year total wait, was NOT what we had in mind.

We still believe that Colombia is where our forever child will come from, but in our despair I did ask a few questions about potentially changing countries or our home study ages/health/number of kids/etc. Long story short...there are no options for us:

• Ethiopia is a 2 year wait, plus at least a year to redo all the paperwork and expense we've done...so a 3 year wait (i.e. 2015). 
• China is still 6+ years for a single, healthy baby (0-4 years old). 
• We can't move into an older/waiting child group because Colombia and CHI (our agency) won't allow a single, biological child to remain "the baby." Even if we moved into sibling groups in Colombia, both younger than Madison and healthy, it's a projected 4 year wait. 

The biggest disappointment has been in learning about the decline in the number of referrals/placements through CHI: 

• 54 children placed in 2009
• 38 in 2010 (the year we started)
• 29 in 2011
• and sadly 6 (SIX) in 2012. 

It's heartbreaking...we are still like number 30 on the list of families waiting or something like that.

So, we wait...and pray...and hope that the audit revealed some redundancies, or unfairness in matching Colombian-Americans first within mere months while we continue to wait years. I completely understand the cultural benefits to a child being adopted by a person with Colombian heritage, but to do it so quickly at the exclusion of everyone else is very hard to watch. We continue to hope that the slow decline in the process and the number of referrals will be noted in the audit and that whatever they found causing it will be remedied and thus, move our timeline back up. 

We know, however, that Colombia is not in charge of when we get our baby. We know that my efficiency in paperwork will not determine when we get our baby. We know that the American red-tape bureaucracy will not hinder when we get our baby. Our Lord God knows when is EXACTLY the right moment and the right child for our family. We trust Him in that, but it's a whole lot easier to type it or to say it then to implement that trust and peace in His plan. We are praying that He continues to use this time to work in us the faith we need to see His plan for our family come to fruition. 

So, I'm sorry if you hoped this post was going to bring good news, but that's our reality, and I appreciate you sharing this journey with us and lifting us up in prayer.

Home Study & Customs Update

After the drama of learning we are approved for a baby from Colombia and then bracing for the 3.5 year wait, I quickly realized that this wait will still be busy, frustrating and require more paperwork. I have been incredibly frustrated with the fact that our government can't streamline certain stages in the adoption process. Case in point: our I-800A form from Customs and Immigration expires every 15 months. Our home study expires every 18 months. However, you can't update the customs form without first updating your home study. So basically you lose 4 months on your home study getting it updated early so that it's completed, notarized and ready to send with our original home study and the new I-800A form.

Then add to that confusion that Jonathan is currently deployed so scheduling the home study update also required a scheduled Skype interview for him with our social worker. Skype has been sketchy at best since he deployed and during the interview we lost connection about 3 times. However, I just learned today that our awesome social worker, Janis, was able to get everything she needed from his Skype appointment, my interview, her chat with Madison and walk through our our house. The update is ready to be notarized and mailed to me :)! Woo hoo!

Next step is getting the form updated for the I-800A and then doing a delicate mailing dance of not sending it in too late that things expire and I need to start over, but also not sending it in too early to where I lose months on the approval. I think I have it figured out and hopefully with certified mail it will arrive with only 2 weeks to spare on the current status. Then I get to wait for them to assign me an appointment and for me to take another road trip to St. Louis to get fingerprinted.

Once all this is finished, I shouldn't have much to do except wait for the next 14 months. I'm sure in the middle of that, I'll be writing a post wishing I had some paper work to do :). Thanks for your continued prayers!

You've GOT to be kidding me!!!

Well, after all the drama and the chaos and my sad post yesterday, I received a phone call from Nichole today after she received an email stating: "Please tell the Fann family that their dossier was approved as of September 13, 2011." So it seems all the proactive stuff we did over the weekend was really unnecessary, but oh well!

AMAZING! Thank you for your prayers and keep them up because we now begin our nearly 4 year wait. So, in the Fall of 2015 will be welcoming home our Forever Child!

A snag...

I've updated a few of you about recent events involving our adoption, but realize that many of you may not be aware of some issues and would ask that you commit these to fervent prayer.

First, as you probably know, our dossier was submitted in early February and we anticipated an approval by September...October at the latest. I've been stalking my own inbox waiting for that happy email from our representative at Children's Hope International, Nichole Deal. Unfortunately, contact came in a very difficult phone call instead. Last Friday Nichole called with some disappointing news. There is one family requesting a baby awaiting approval ahead of us. However, she received a rejection for a family requesting two children who submitted a month or so after us. They were declined because their paperwork expired. Nichole's issue with this is that the paperwork expired because they're taking so dang long to approve. Additionally, she's concerned with the fact that potential adoptive families originally from Colombia are moved to the top of the pile even though their adoptions take significantly less time to complete. Why would they not approve those that take the longest to wait first? It's not as if we're requesting the same children!

Anyway, all that being said to say that Nichole was devastated to call me in preparation to a two-week trip to Colombia, where she expects some of our paperwork to be expired. Paperwork that takes 2-3 months to update, mind you. That's if both parents are home and have access to US government offices...aha, you're seeing more of the problem, aren't you? Right! So with Jonathan leaving the country this week and having been on a military base for the last 30 days there wasn't much hope things would work out in our favor.

After a good cry and a phone call explaining what I could to Jonathan, I came home and began digging. Praise the LORD in His goodness and foresight, he had me prepare two original sets of fingerprints from our local police department. You may remember these were the same fingerprints that I sent to the FBI for our background checks, that they signed for and then proceeded to lose in the building. As crazy of a time that was, God's hand was there too. From when I submitted the prints to when they were found and someone finally helped me, the FBI issued a new form for requesting background checks. So, I had another form to fill out, but again, what possessed me to have Jonathan and I both sign two originals? I know it was the Lord! And, bonus: these forms don't have dates when they are signed. So in a matter of minutes, I had prepared another packet ready to go to the FBI for what we believe will be expired documents once Nichole returns. They went in the mail certified for delivery today.

First crisis averted. Second, Colombia is now requesting a more thorough medical screening as do many countries. Why in the world the military has drawn these same tests on Jonathan is beyond me, but again, God's timing and the fact that he's serving with a medical battalion has helped and he was able to secure review of blood work, a doctor's approval, notarization, and two additional finger print forms (just in case) and get them to the post office to me today. We also learned that should these tests not have been completed and reviewed here, the lab overseas would NOT have been able to draw them. Praise God for a 4 day delay on his deployment!

Lastly, Nichole wants me to wait to have these same tests drawn because insurance will probably NOT cover them and they will be a substantial cost. Some families have been "grandfathered" in and not needed the tests, but if our dossier is delayed or rejected because of expired documents, we may not make the cut. If that's the case, FINE, whatever...take whatever blood you need, just help me get our baby.

So, I guess that's the long and the short of it. Pray for all these details. Pray they're unnecessary proactive actions and that when Nichole arrives in Colombia, they'll hand her our approval. Pray also that as she works with the ICBF (Colombian child welfare equivalent) that she'll be able to control her frustration and come to a resolution that will move these adoptions back to an acceptable timeline...we're 14 months into it and as it stands now, once we're approved we have a 3 years and 11 month wait. That's unacceptable. Pray Nichole can find a way to cut that time back substantially. Two or 2 1/2 years would be ideal for us because Jonathan would be back and we'd be settled into a routine again and definitely ready to travel and get our Forever Child.

Ultimately, though, I have realized these last few days that the Lord has ordained every day of my life and those of my children and when we'll become a family. I'm not waiting on Colombia, I'm waiting for God's perfect timing. Pray I wait patiently. Love you all!